Turning 22: I choose to be happy!

I turned 22 two days ago and to be honest I really don't know what to feel.

I always thought when I turn 22, it would be a meaningful celebration as I have predicted that at this age I would graduate from uni (which I did! read my story here). I always thought that being 22 would be memorable as I would take more big steps in my life. Taylor Swift even made a song to celebrate how she felt about being 22 (or maybe not. I never really read the lyrics).

But now I'm 22... I feel nothing special. Instead, I feel scared. Terrified of what my future would be. One day before my birthday I found this on twitter and I don't know if I should be sad or grateful for how much relatable this tweet is to my life.

Being 22 is so stupid and hilarious. What am I supposed to do. Get married? Travel the world? Go to grad school? Write a book? Do meth? I’ll be sitting here miserably making spotify playlists until im told what to do

— yeah boiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii (@al_loveschiavo) June 20, 2018

Seriously, I'm asking the real question: what should I do? And even if I (kinda) know what to do, there are follow-up questions: should I really do it? Will it be worthy?

Since these questions are creeping me up every night, making me awake for hours, I decided to not make any lists of goals or achievements I want to have this year. My goal this year is simple: I choose to be happy. I want to feel content with whatever life throws at me.

The past few years of adulthood have been a long, tiring journey of me finding out about myself. I realized that the more I get ambitious with things I want to achieve, the more painful it will be if I don't make it. I become unhappy with my life, I keep blaming myself, making excuses. There are times when I doubt God.. and it hurts me even more because I feel so silly for doubting Him.

So, turning 22, I choose to be happy. I choose to be surrounded by positivity. Even when I fail, I still want to feel thankful for the chances I get to try again. I don't want to blame anyone, I want to accept things the way they are.

How do you pray to God? "Wish me all the best, I know you have plans I deserve.." that was the only thing I pray to God. I believe in Him. I always do. But sometimes, when things don't go as planned, I keep thinking if I'm not worthy enough. So from now on, I will pray one more thing, "..give me the strength to continue, and let me heal when I fall.." This way, I hope I can always feel content and won't be in sadness for too long.

This is still a long journey.. to find whatever best for me. But at least for now, I know what I want to be: I want to feel happy.

Happy birthday to me. Keep loving yourself.